I think it's time for this:

For anyone who doesn't know the story, basically the poem tells it all. It is all true (even the bit about the grouse, which I added in because I found it so completely surreal considering what I'd just been through), and I sat in a pile of nettles waiting for the cows to disperse for about 20 minutes. Unfortunately they all closed in on me, and I had no choice but to move to another pile of nettles. My dog kept quiet as the grave which is unlike him! The cows closed in all around me until my only method of escape was through a hedge which thankfully wasn't so dense I couldn't get through. Normally cows don't bother me, but they were all nursing, and a big bull guarded the lot of them.
I ended up adding a further 4 miles onto what should have been a pleasant 3-4 mile walk home.

But, here it is. The Crowning Moment of all my poetry I've ever written ever...

Once 'pon a morn in late July,
a lady took her car
to have a regular service
the garage was not far.

Decided she to take her dog
And walk back home forthrightly.
The car would be all day you see
And mum was still in nighty.

The journey was not far she thought
Four miles or so, thought she
"Four miles is not a distance far
For Bracken dog and me."

So off she set at nine o'clock
To Caerwys garage lo!
Left keys with german apprentice did
Then walking she did go.

Down hill and lane towards the place
they call the fishery
For through that place a sign does say
"Ysceifiog, miles three."

"Ysceifiog is very close:
the village next along,
to where I live," that she did think,
"My walk won't be too long."

Over the stile and into woods,
The footpath said to go.
It pointed up toward a hill,
Where nettles they did grow.

Delighted she to keen observe,
A bird of prey in sight.
But typically as always is,
'Twas buzzard 'gain in flight.

Rolling her eyes, continued on
Up hill, following the sign.
They led into a field of grass,
And cows, but that was fine.

Until realising, to her dismay,
Cows nursing they did be.
Not only that but F**k off bull
had noticed dog and she.

"Oh sh*t and cock and big fat balls"
Exclaimed quietly she,
As swiftly she retreated,
watching Cows who watchéd she.

"Piss off! Piss off!" She did call out,
Cattle swiftly advanced.
Toward her and her collie dog
She nearly pooed her pants.

The exit to the fated field
Was blocking up with cow
upon her 'scape to further field,
Three score were staring now.

Cow and calf and bull alike
had noticed her about.
And all did comest through to see
Then slaughter her, no doubt.

She had recalléd thus a time,
similar to this be.
when her and Emma, her best friend,
Spent all day in a tree.

Turned phone to silent wisely so
then texting boyfriend she,
didst ask him to please pray for her
as she said the rosary.

After a time, unavoidably so
Cows moved too close to she.
A run for it she'd have to make
"NOW! NOW! COME ON B!"

Into the bushes behind
electric fence she did proceed
However this did not deter the cows
Who followed into weeds.

Panting and frantic now was she
And ready for to go
through piles of nettles and thickest hedge
But got through she did so!

She got into a wooded place
and not sure where to go
'til Mister buzzard, crying forth
Drew attention to a hole.

A hole in fence that leadeth to
Another wooded place
Thankfully far from rabid bovine
She thought it was quite ace.

She traversed on past pens and pens,
containing young of grouse.
She couldn't wait to arrive home,
To get back in her house.

Eventually, through woods and lanes
the countryside rolled on,
Never been so glad had she e'er been
to see the A541.

Walked on and on 'til reaching home.
As turning the last bend.
Glad she and Brax had made it through,
This adventure at an end.

My entry for Nav's Hallowe'en contest:

I Made This Lamp
Flames lick patterns up inside the green, curved glass.
Hurrying through the streets, a cold wind whips and claims the light.
Turning away from the cruel weather, matches spill amongst wet flagstones.
Darkness closes in, coats the buildings, the streets, my lamp with thick, gloomy paint.
The audible heartbeat of panic augments as cats scream their macabre midnight song.
Finding dry matches! One is struck; the oil and rain soaked wick spits a modest light.
Shadows beget curious wall demons curling their twisted tendrils towards me.
They caress me, for I am the demons’ master. I send them forth.

here's a link to Matt Dinniman's site if you would like to enter the contest yourself.

Not that anyone reads my blog..

Well, it's been a long time since I last wrote. My life has been pretty hectic of late.

I found somewhere temporary to live with a lass called Suzanne. She's been temporary at the RSPCA over the summer and has a spare room she's kindly renting me until I find somewhere I can take my orange pets.

I started my new job on Monday, and have been learning the ropes. I have made a lot of notes which hopefully will help things to be discussed when I have a meeting with the managers in a couple of weeks to try and get things running smoothly.

Everyone is really friendly which is good. I am starting to get the hang of things, and while everything is similar to my old work there are enough differences to be making me a bit disorientated.

Trying to find somewhere to live..

I'm still panicking!

Wow, what an eventful week..

Monday: Got home in the evening after sorting a room literally full of stuff for the church féte, and picked up guinea. She squeaked and wobbled off to the edge of the sofa. Her breathing was laboured and she looked uncomfortable. I picked her up again and sat her on my knee. She got down, collapsed so I picked her up and put her on my knee again. She had a small fit there and then and died pretty quickly.

My guinea. :( RIP Nitro. Sleep well my little one. I miss her badly. Every time I go into the living room I go to shout 'guinea!' to hear her squeak and she's not there.

Tuesday, work, then zipped off down to Trunx's house.

Wednesday, woke up, saw Trunx off to work, had a bath then put on my best power dressing clothes to go to Somerset for an interview.
The job is cattery supervisor at West Hatch in Taunton. I gave four hours to get there as I had no clue how long it would take me.
It took an hour and a half. So then I had a little while to drive round and need the toilet. I arrived ten minutes early now not needing the loo (had found a secluded little spot in a woodland hehe) and met the deputy manager. She showed me round the centre and introduced me to a few staff and some of the animals. There are loads of cruelty cases in there at the moment so things aren't moving as well as they'd like. All cases have to be kept in the centre until such time as they are signed over, or a confiscation order is issued. As the courts don't prioritise animal related issues they are often still in their kennels or pens several months and even years later, by which time most are unrehomable due to severe kennel stress in the case of dogs, severe agoraphobia in the case of cats and aggression in rabbits or old age!

Anyway, that aside, we went for the interview, it was good and informal and we had a cup of tea and a chat. I was asked questions to which I sat there and said 'errrrrrr' for about a minute before answering. I felt like a complete doofus and felt that some of my answers were a bit silly and probably had secured my non-gaining of the role.

I went home feeling like a failure and told my family I had cocked up and never mind, I'll look for a job somewhere else. They had some more people to see the following day so told me I would know by Thursday afternoon whether yay or nay.

I told my boss (she already knew about the interview) I thought I'd cocked up and she told me not to worry and that if it was meant to be, it would happen.

At 5:15pm I had a phonecall from dad, asking me to phone the boss of West Hatch immediately. I called and had to ask the manager to repeat herself after she told me I was the preferred candidate! I could barely believe it and was absolutely stunned! I went back up and saw my boss who asked 'Well?' and I nodded.

I can't believe it! I'm moving up in the world! Now I need to find somewhere to live, as a matter of urgency..

I'm half watching Cash in the Attic and Ben Fogle has just said that 'Jenny and I are going to the bedroom for a rummage'. Filth.

Nitro is sitting on the arm of the sofa again and is asleep, dreaming. She keeps nibbling in her sleep and wiggling gently.

I wrote a story for the paper about Gert the cat:

"Gert was brought to the shelter after her elderly owner sadly passed away. Poor Gert was not in the best condition on arrival, as she had a flea allergy and lost a lot of fur as a result. Still, she has had treatment for this, and her soft, black coat has nearly grown back. She has daily evening primrose oil capsules to keep her looking beautiful! Gert is an old lady herself, at the grand old age of 16, she doesn't stand for any nonsense. However, in this age of longevity Gert is eluding the normal lifespan of regular cats and betrays her actual age by appearing and acting younger; she still enjoys playing with her toy mouse, her treat ball, anything she can lay her paws on! Gert's personality has won the hearts of all the staff at the centre. Everyone has to stop by and say hello to her. Sometimes she likes her own space, but is more than happy to sit on your knee when the need takes her. Ok, she can be a bit grumpy, but she's come from 16 happy years with a lady who loved her to having to sit in a cat pen around lots of younger cats who irritate her: The youth of today! Gert deserves a chance just as much as any younger cat. Gert is playful and how anyone can resist that personality is beyond me! Do you have a suitable retirement home for her to see out her twilight years in peace? (As long as there are plenty of toys for her!) If you would like to know more about Gert or meet her, please telephone the centre on 0870 010 1845 or pop up for a visit. We are open 10:30 until 4pm Thursday to Tuesday. If you miss out on Gert, we have plenty of other fantastic characters needing new homes! Especially Tally, the young, black furred beauty..."

Gert. :)

Here I sit, watching wrestling from the early 80's. I have observed before that for some reason these trunked, normal-looking men from the UK look so much more naked than that of WWE! The crowd are also sitting still and watching. There is the odd spoken encouragement of 'come on, boy'. Goodness I love being British! The commentator has barely raised his voice to scream about what is happening in the ring.

Nitro is chewing the towel she's sitting on. She is perched on the arm of the sofa and looks squidgy.

Anyway, my weekend. I went to Trunx's on Thursday after work, and made a cup of tea while he came back from wrestling practice laden with burgers for me and him. He's doing pretty well from the sonds of things at wrestling and I am actually keen to see him in another match, I guess partially because the guys were so complimentary about my photos, but also because I am much happier about him not being as hurt as I was worried he would be! Still, the day he suggests a death match is the day he gets locked in the airing cupboard! I can only imagine what Mrs Foley goes through every time she watches her beloved taking to the ring!
Friday was cleaning day. I cleaned the bathroom but didn't get much further due to being too hot. Saturday was much the same, except punctuated with thunder and lightning, whereby I stood outside and received a quantity of said weather, which helped to cool down loads.

Jason and Carmel popped round to deliver an engagement present (and help clean up!) unfortunately they couldn't stay for the party. Wow. That is all I can say. This gigantic box was presented to us and after unwrapping several layers of cardboard and foam, we discovered the content: (I'll put a picture up when my camera has more batteries) a framed gold Piece of Mind disc with an inscription for us. It now has pride of place in the living room.

-I could watch this wrestling all day if it wasn't for the *&£^"&%$ adverts!-

We went to pick Oozily up from the station, stopped off for beers on the way back, and on the way out of Sainsburys car park we saw my dad's car pulling out of the roundabout! That was a stroke of luck. My family haven't been to Trunx's before so I was hoping my directions were good enough, but from there they just followed us!

-oo! Giant Haystacks! Performing a "35 stone 2 splash" on some poor fella..-

We went along to the party and thankfully were the first there, so we could greet people as they came in. Everyone was so kind and Master Williams presented me with part 1 of a guide to getting my own way using subtle yet effective violence.. Lol! There were so many lovely presents and Trunx's folks and brother laid out a delicious barbecue. I circulated so much I barely saw Trunx until the end of the evening when he and Jon performed a bit o' folk. I woke up Sunday feeling crushed, like I do when I've been to a cracking concert the night before. It took me a while to identify the feeling but yes, my engagement party being over gave me post concert depression! I went for a walk to clear my fuzzy wine head and took my family to see the White Horse and Dragon Hill. They went home soon after that and we were going to dine in the pub but dawdled a bit and had KFC instead. We then bought a toilet seat. Whee! I then proceeded to attempt to watch the rest of Wrestlemania 22 but failed dismally during the Triple H/Cena match as I was so knackered I slept for about 3 hours. I woke up and suggested Duncan beans for tea, Trunx agreed and we asked his parents round to have some too.

Duncan beans is a baked beans dish spiced up with various curry pastes, things put in a mortar and pestle and onions and is absolutely delicious! His folks brought round left over sausages and we all watched top gear and enjoyed tea.

After they went home we sat outside and watched the sky darken. It was truly lovely and so quiet that despite the sweary man next door's best efforts, he didn't manage to disturb our evening.

Kendo Nagasaki's manager has just called what looks like Bob Carolgees a 'scoundrel'. Bob C responded with a stern, deep Yorkshire accent. British Wrestling! Yey!